Thank you for reading the first rant of Rant Week yesterday, here at the mighty TDC.
Today is simply more of the sordid tale I have been telling you all these years.
Please read the previous part if you haven’t yet, won’t you?
Here’s a song for you to hear while we embark again. Get your bowl ready, my friend. But, the loud howl of this classic tune illustrates what Joey is about to tell us.
Joey continued. This is what he said:
“Weeee-ill, you know that Jerry and me didn’t know that you guys were all fucked up on a fig tree out in the back orchard. If we did, I promise you, we would have gone and helped you guys out.
“But some assholes come busting in to where me and Jerry and Nolei and Tommy Hewitt were sitting, after the ambulances had left. These were some scary looking dudes. Jerry sees them come pushing their way in through the guys at the door and he stands the fuck up.
“You ever seen Jerry when he looks mad? I don’t think you did yet. No, he looks like a fucking evil clown mask at the Halloween store or some shit. Swear to Gawd. Jerry screams at them, saying, “’Who the fuck are you?’ and they stop the fuck in their tracks.
“I about shit my own pants. They get they shit together and one of them steps forward, says his name is Muy Largo. Dude was big, too, like Jerry, but without all the fat. He ain’t a dumbass, I guess. He walks over and holds out his friggin hand. Says, ‘Me and my buds just want to have a seat and talk with you. That cool?’
“Jerry cools right down. I guess he can make an assessment of a shitiation real quick like that. It’s spooky. He giggled like he does, and I see some of those Muy dudes look at each other like they don’t know what the fuck. But Jerry shakes his hand.
“That Muy Largo sits down at the big dining room table with the rest of us, and his boys all group up behind him. Muy leans forward to whisper something at Jerry. I guess Jerry don’t like people leaning in too close, ‘cause he backs off from Muy and his face gets angry looking. Then check this out. Jerry giggles again. He says, ‘Of course we can match. Line for line. What you got?’
“Muy just stares at Jerry, and one of Muy’s homeys leans in and drops a small bag of blow on the table. It’s all powder, cut up, stepped on. Not like Jerry’s brick. Shit looks like shit, ya know? WEAK. Jerry smiles. Not in a good way. Weeee-ill, that guy has a lot of different ways to creep me the fuck out. Now he is all smiling, and it looks like he has a hundred sharp fangs in his evil grin, but maybe it was the lights or something.
“That guy Muy grabs the crap bag and throws it back over his shoulder without even looking. The dude who brought it out catches it in mid air, and then another dude leans in. This time, a new bag hits the table with a clunk. It’s a fucking brick. So Jerry’s fangs disappear, and we get lined up again. Shit turned out to be pretty fucking good.
“Now we all way up in the air from all this shit, feeling good, starting to get all trembly and hearts racing and stuff from doing so much, and everyone’s gnashing their teeth and has perma-grins plastered on they faces.
“I think Muy wanted to make some kind of deal with Jerry, but it didn’t happen. You can thank Gilbert and his football buddies for that shit. Yup, Gilbert busted in with his buddies, all buzzed out from the beer in them kegs those college kids had out on the deck. Well this freaked out Muy ‘cause he and his crew jump up and they start swinging fists.
“I see Jerry grab both bricks and stuff them inside some sort of back pocket he has in his leather jacket. Then Jerry, well holy fuck, Jerry grabs the china plates and the crystal goblets and he throws that shit at Gilbert and his buddies.
“Dudes got all cut up man! Muy and his boys are swinging fists, Gilbert is whining like a little bitch, and I grab Nolei and Tommy Hewitt and we run to the living room. To get a better seat, ya know. Wasn’t my squabble, Weeee-ill.
“You know what? Jerry picks up that big-ass table and he runs at all of those assholes with it! Yup, he ram-rods them all into the kitchen island thing that has the marble top on it. All them boys got fucked up from that. They go down hard, all gasping for breath, and some look like they arms all smashed.
“But Jerry didn’t stop there. Weeee-ill, you have to watch out for this fucker. I don’t think he has an off button once he gets started. He pulls the broken table off them boys and then he chucks each one of them football players out the fucking sliding glass door.
“He doesn’t stop with them. He tosses Muy and his crew out as well! Then he runs outside. And then shit got ugly. Shit got fucking ugly. Jerry has no off button, you see.
Join me next time for the next part, if you like.
God Help You.
God Help Us All.
(Don't use these)