Sunday, May 1, 2011







"Let us explore beyond the facade."

An Interview with Hosni Mubarak

Welcome to The Daily Column Sunday Interviews, hosted by me, smcasey.

Thank you, American lady. It is good to be here.

So Hos, how are you enjoying your retirement?

Well, it is interesting, I thought it would be rather different than my 29 years of service to the people of Egypt. It isn’t much different at all. When you have as much money as I do, you have power, wherever you go.

I see. So I’m not really sure where to go with that. Other than to say that you’ve done nothing in the past 29 years and are doing nothing now?

No, not exactly. In 29 years, I survived six assassination attempts!! I successfully got Egypt back into the Arab League and, I will say, I shut off the internet.

Yes, you did. Amazing. While the internet was off in Egypt, did you have access?

Of course I did. I’m addicted to FarmVille on Facebook, there was no way I was going to let all my crops die and my farm go to hell. I really didn’t care what was going on in Tahir Square, let chaos ensue. The one thing I didn’t think about was the internet was off, so none of my friends were sending me gifts. But I made do.
During that time, I also did some research on how to obtain a Hawaiian birth certificate. I got in touch with a guy who can get me one. Luckily I have money, I can buy it.

So your farm, do you have pictures of it?

Not bad. I’m not a fan, but it looks cool to me. Did you really think the people of Egypt would respond well to having no internet? The internet is instantaneous connection, to anyone, anything, Why would you even do that?

I was bored.

That’s it?

Yup. Who cares about my former constituents? I needed some entertainment. It was just as easy to throw some folks into gladiator type sports, but at least this way, I let them feel like they weren’t being controlled. I let them feel like they were rebelling. Suckers.

All part of your plan?

I’m an evil genius.

Not inclined to disagree with you there. Anyway, why do you need a Hawaiian birth certificate?

I’m not really at liberty to discuss It, but maybe an old friend of mine can discuss that with you. Please, please don’t mention any of this to The Donald.

Alright! I’ve heard you are extremely disappointed by being snubbed by the Royal Family of England.

Hell Yes I am! I arranged my entire future on being invited to that wedding. Hell, I resigned as President of Egypt just so my calendar would be free. I had hoped the young Prince would ask me to be his best man. I’d make one hell of a best man. I’d throw one hell of a Stag Party. I would have even considered being the maid of honor. In the end, it didn’t work out, and I didn’t get an invite. But David and Posh Beckham? Really. I do realize they’re pretty famous brits, but I’ve been a pretty big deal lately, they should’ve totally considered me.

Bummer. I assume you’ll be watching it on television then?

You betcha! Having a party for my supporters and I at an undisclosed location. It, too, is by invitation only. No party crashers.

Security tight then?

I’d rather not say.

Is there anything you’d like to say? I’m not here to judge you.

Hmmmm. I’m thinking. Can you get me Ryan Seacrest’s phone number?

Negative, dude is a tool.

Pia Toscano?

So you are an American Idol fan? Who is your favorite contestant ever?


(Blank stare) What about this season?


He’s already voted off!

You did ask who my favorite contestant was.

Alright, alright. If you could meet him, what would you say?

Well, I want to invite him to my Royal Wedding party.

To perform?

No, to hang out with the rest of us. Sanjaya’s coming, and he’s bringing Antoine Dodson.

Thank you for your time Hos. Good luck.

Welcome to The NEW Daily Column!!