Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Time To Answer The Age Old Question – Who Got It Worse: Marv Or Harry In Home Alone?

Here's the rundown :

Marv Injuries

Home Alone 1:

Gets shot in the face with a BB gun
Slips on the basement stairs, falls down entire flight
Smashed in the face with an iron falling the entire length of a laundry chute
Nail directly through the bottom of his foot
Slips on ice again, crowbar falls on him
Stamps his feet directly on top of Christmas ornaments beneath the open window.
Slips on Micromachines
Gets smashed in the face with swinging paint can
Emotional distress of having a tarantula on his face.
Gets hit with a crowbar by his own partner
Swings on a rope into the side of a brick wall
Smashed in the face with Old Man Marley’s Shovel

Home Alone 2:

Takes 4 bricks to the face thrown off the top of an apartment building
Gets his dick, asshole and face stapeled with a staple gun
Blatantly walks right into a gigantic hole in the floor, falls face first to the basement
Pulls a full bag on concrete on to his own head trying to climb a rope
Slips on green goo, which somehow causes him to propel forward on a perfectly flat surface into a million paint cans on shelves
Gets electrocuted when he touches the sink which is hooked up to jumper cables. Temporarily turns into a skeleton.
Gets face smashed by two-man cast iron pipe
Face smushed with rolling tool chest
Covered in pigeons

Harry Injuries

Home Alone 1:

Shot in the dick with BB gun
Falls down front steps covered in ice
Burns his palm on the “M” doorknob
Head set on fire by a blow-torch
Covered in glue and feathers
Slips on micromachines
Smashed in the face with paint can, losing his gold tooth
Falls over trip wire
Hit in the ribs with Marv’s crowbar
Swings into the side of the brick wall
Hit in the face with Old Man Marley’s Shovel

Home Alone 2:

Launched into the air by Marv on a see saw, smashing through the roof of a car
Jumps and slips off bottom rung of ladder covered in green goo
Entire tool bag opened on top of his head
Head set on fire with flame thrower, head explodes inside a toilet full of kerosene
Gets face smashed by two-man cast iron pipe
Face smushed with tool chest
Covered in pigeons

For over 20 years I’ve debated which member of the Wet Bandits got the short end of the stick when it came to Kevin McCallister’s booby traps. Classic question. Right up there with Rocky I or Rocky IV? Nacho cheese Doritos or Cooler Ranch? A timeless debate that has raged for almost a quarter of a century. Its actually a pretty balanced fight. Just when I think Harry getting his head set on fire is the worst injury of Home Alone 1, I remember the nail through Marv’s foot followed up by Christmas ornaments exploding between his toes. One of the most gruesome moments in movie history. Harry’s hand gets branded and Marv’s face gets imprinted with an iron. Would you rather be shot in the face or the dick? Another toss up. Endure the emotional trauma of having a tarantula on your face, or the humiliation of being dressed as a chicken during your robbery? After 1 movie, Marv takes a slight edge due to the nail in the foot.

Home Alone 2 is an interesting debate. First things first, we’ll have to acknowledge that Marv being electrocuted to the point that he transforms into a skeleton would probably be fatal. Equally as fatal would be your head exploding in a toilet bowl full of kerosene. We’re gonna have to strike both of those from the record – neither are admissible by real evidence. Aside from the head explosion, Marv absolutely annihilates Harry in Home Alone 2. 4 bricks to the face off of a 3 story building is absolutely devastating. 100 pound bag of concrete falling 2 stories on to your head. Dick and balls stapled. Pretty much the worst things that happen to Harry are double booby traps that Marv has to endure too. So while Home Alone 1 is at least a close race, Home Alone 2 is a blow out.

Marv wins both movies in a clean sweep and earns my vote for the Wet Bandit/Sticky Bandit that got it worse in the Home Alone series.

Here we go ......

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